"By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation: [see image 4, above].
It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.”
But unless you’re a character on “Heroes,” genes don’t mutate fast enough to have caused an 18% increase in childhood food allergies between 1997 and 2007. And genes certainly don’t cause 25% of parents to believe that their kids have food allergies, when 4% do. Yuppiedom does.
Someone get Steven Berlin Johnson on this, pronto!
I’m Brant Charles, and 14 years ago I was just like you. Now I’m a meta-physicist.
Being a meta-physicist is awesome and it isn’t even hard. Newton discovered gravity whilst lounging under a tree. Einstein came up with most of his theories by daydreaming. Stephen Hawking just sits in a chair all day.
And the stuff we do is fun, too. Galileo? Dropping the feather and the cannonball? Shit, man - I could do that stuff all day. And we get to play the coolest pranks. That Hadron Collider thing? Not even real. You would not believe how awesome it feels to make everyone on the entire planet shit themselves because they think you’re building a black hole machine.
Guess what? We have time machines. And they’re better than you’d believe by about 50 better-points, which are a unit of measurement we haven’t even told you about. Just yesterday? I played virtual reality ping-pong on Jupiter. You guys think it’s cool to go to the moon? Wait until you visit an alien culture whose customary greeting to guests is to give them a basket of gold coins and a jetpack.
I’m meant to teach you guys some kind of life-lesson before I go. Screw that. I’m gonna teach you the life-lesson. As in the meaning of it. Be careful. This is dangerous territory. Your head might explode or your face might melt or I don’t know I’m not some stupid biologist, okay? So there are these things called string- no. Too late. I can see the blood dripping out of your ears. Well, no big deal. There’s an asteroid headed this way in a couple of years and we’re kind of don’t have any tickets left for the shuttle outta here. They all went to the super-models, if you know what I’m saying.
Well, good luck in your new liquified-brain, doomed-Earth lives. Oh, and one last note? This entire speech is a palindrome.
“…our bailout of Detroit will be remembered as the equivalent of pouring billions of dollars of taxpayer money into the mail-order-catalogue business on the eve of the birth of eBay. It will be remembered as pouring billions of dollars into the CD music business on the eve of the birth of the iPod and iTunes. It will be remembered as pouring billions of dollars into a book-store chain on the eve of the birth of Amazon.com and the Kindle. It will be remembered as pouring billions of dollars into improving typewriters on the eve of the birth of the PC and the Internet.”—Thomas Friedman